A teenaged-looking anthropomorphic bat walked onto a colorful television show set a set with a purple couch, a massive plasma screen television hanging on a wall, and various displays of nostalgic items and posters. The bat had black fur, but also had some messy short, white hair on his head and red eyes. The bat was wearing an open and purple, button, striped-and-thin shirt with the sleeves rolled up; a pair of military-green, knee-high shorts; and white, velcro shoes. He turned to you, the reader(s), with a half-dulled look in his eyes and hands holding each other. Hows it going? Manny greeted. Im Manny the Bat, and this is The Past Today.
When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires,
Will come to you
Ah, Disney, Manny sighed happily, a little smile etching up the corner of his mouth. The perfect embodiment of most peoples childhoods. But lets be honest with ourselves, everybody: Disney today friggin sucks worse than a self-loathing prostitute. I mean, Disney used to give us feelings of love, comfort, and other emotions of good-y-ness with their heartwarming animated films that just makes you want to go and hug your mother. But now
He gently gestured to the plasma screen, where it came on with a split screen between trailers of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Now weve got nothing but absolute crap in live-action films that would make you empty your bowels faster than drinking ipecac. Howd Disney get this disgustingly low? Well, lets take a swing back to the past with Princess Sofia, er, I mean, Scoop!
Manny clapped his hands as a young, male pirate first mate with short blonde hair waved to you, the reader(s), from behind a desk with his own television screen hanging behind him. He dressed in white shirt, a pair of worn jeans with a loose-fitting black belt, brown boots with clean white socks, and an green bandana wrapped around her (Yes, her) head. Greetings and salutations! Scoop waved excitedly, but spotted her captain standing off stage stealing donuts from the confection table. I mean
ARGH! Im a pirate! she exclaimed, closing one of her eyes and holding out a finger like a hook. Anyway, this is A Swing to the Past! Im Scoop, the presenter of this segment.
Now, Disney has always been known for its animation and their Lived happily ever after
motif. In fact, most of their animated movies were based on fairy tales the best example being their very first feature length film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. And, for many decades, this style has always worked. What changed? This is what changed:
They made a sequel.
Hey, it WAS a good movie though. However, now correct me if Im wrong, but didnt Walt himself once say these words? Scoop pointed to her television screen, which showed an extremely old clip of Walt Disney.
Ive never believed in doing sequels. I didnt want to waste the time I have doing a sequel; Id rather be using that time doing something new and different.
Scoop clicked her tongue. Poor, poor Walt
Little did he know that his company would crumble for our eyes. Another notable change was that in the extremely late 70s and early 80s the Walt Disney Company had split itself into smaller divisions. The Company stayed the same, of course, but now they created Touchstone Pictures, Hollywood Pictures and Miramax Films so that they could work on other more mature projects besides children films. Er
right. Can I throw out another Disney quote?
Childishness? I think its the equivalent of never losing your sense of humor. I mean, theres a certain something that you retain. Its the equivalent of not getting so stuffy that you cant laugh at others.
Well said, Walt! Disney isnt about making money by being serious and more adult! Its about entertaining kids and family alike to keep them together! Now, dont get me wrong, a LOT of the movies Touchstone and Miramax make are really great! Such as Kill Bill, the Kevin Smith films, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood, Pretty Woman, Sister Act, Dick Tracy, and much more. But heres the thing, Disney
did you also split up your good writers too?
Well, it wasnt so bad really. Disney was still cranking out great movies during the late 80s and 90s also known as the Eisner era. Damn that man
Great movies like The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and etcetera. I can go on about what was good, but were talking how Disney is CRAP now!
And we enter 2002
oh, God. I believe this where the horror TRULY starts. Disney bought out Saban Entertainment and, thus, gained control over the television juggernaut Power Rangers. But THAT were saving for another day
And, what Im still having trouble understanding, they collaborated with Square Enix to create the extremely over-hyped VIDEO GAME SERIES known as Kingdom Hearts a game where Disney crosses over with its creations. Not so bad. House of Mouse was pretty cool
But with Final Fantasy?!
ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! But Kingdom Hearts really wasnt that bad of a game. Its just
Her television screen showed a picture of the games main protagonist, Sora. This idiot, she sighed. Whats with the Japanese and young teens with spiky hair? And whats with the fan girls wanting them to play tonsil hockey with each other? Scoop groaned. When I play a game with Disney characters crossing over with each other I want to play as friggin Mickey Mouse! Hell, I actually TRIED to die in Kingdom Hearts II during boss battles so I CAN! But hes just been reduced to playing a Yoda-type role.
Anyway, in 2004, they bought the Muppets
Disney sure does want to have everything under their control, dont they? I mean, if it aint Disney, it aint worth it! And in the same year, they created/bought the Jetix program block for ABC Family and Toon Disney channels
Dear Lord, that move destroyed Toon Disney. Did you know Jetix is actually Fox Kids? Yeah, really. Toon Disney was once known as the ONLY network channel that one could still watch retro Disney shows like Darkwing Duck and DuckTales. And now they disgraced that channel with LIVE-ACTION Power Rangers
I dunno, it just makes my head hurt.
But the worse shit hasnt even hit the fan yet! Welcome to 2006, where the REAL horror begins! Can anyone say, High School Musical, Hannah Montana, The Wild, The Santa Clause 3 and Cars? Ugh
I just want to stab the people who came up with High School Musical and Hannah Montana
The others, not so much. Can it get any worse?
The posters to Underdog, Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and High School Musical 3: Senior Year appeared on the television behind Scoop. I had to ask. Back to you, Manny!
Manny shook his head, rubbing his aching temples. For the love of Walt, what happened to Disney? I remember the old days when I was always excited as fuck whenever a new Disney movie was out in the theaters. Now, I just pray like hell that they give up their CGI craze right now with Pixar and get back to good old hand-drawn animation. I mean what? Is paper and pencils not good enough for you anymore? Well, get this through your thick heads, Disney: Theyre what got you where you are today! Speaking of that, where the hell are Mickey and the gang? They on a permanent vacation? No, wait. Theyre off fighting Heartless with a prepubescent mop-head in a RPG
And then theres the whole High School Musical and Hannah Montana thing. In all honesty, I thought they were
GOOD back then. Manny shuddered. But only because I thought it would be a one movie and season sort of thing. And now
Manny points to the plasma screen where it displayed multiple High School Musical and Hannah Montana merchandise. Ugh, Disney
what were you thinking?! Its true what they say; money is the work of the devil. THESE TWO ARE WHAT MAKES DISNEY SUCK TODAY! He took a deep, calming breath. But enough with the negatives! Lets go to our On the Other Hand
segment with Beat-Em-Up Man and Kid Genius!
Manny clapped as a tall, muscular superhero with stylish black hair named Beat-Em-Up Man wearing an orange full body spandex suit with a blue cape and an emblem of a fist on his chest waved to you, the reader(s). Next to him was his sidekick, Kid Genius; a young man with messy dark brown hair wearing a yellow spandex suit, as well, with a brain emblem and a helmet shaped like a big squishy brain. Welcome, children of all ages! Beat-Em-Up greeted with a booming voice, giving a dashing smile that glinted with light. Kid rolled his eyes. Welcome to On the Other Hand, where mention all the positive aspects of current day Disney!
One positive aspect is that Disney might be learning their lesson is starting to release movies with classic hand-drawn animation, Kid said with a smile. Good examples are Enchanted and the upcoming The Princess and the Frog.
Bah! Beat-Em-Up sneered. But Enchanted was a live-action movie from the start!
True, Kid agreed. But at least we get to see a bit of 2D animation. He pondered a bit and frowned. Disney better not be thinking, Yeah, throw them a bone and thatll probably tide them over.
Anyway, another positive thing is that Disney now currently owns Pixar instead of having a contract with them. This means more amazing Pixar films! Beat-Em-Up whooped wildly.
I thought we were growing bored with CGI? Kid deadpanned, tapping the table they were sitting behind.
Anyway, Kid groaned, Im afraid I cant think of anymore positive things to say
Wait! Beat-Em-Up shouted. High School Musical 3 marks the final movie in the series!
Hmm. That IS a good thing, Kid smirked, wiggling his eyebrows to you, the reader(s). Over to you, Manny!
Thanks, guys. Now, earlier today, I went with our field cameraman Christen to talk with people about their opinion of Disney nowadays. Time for our In the Peoples Perspective segment!
Manny gestured to his plasma screen, which showed him walking along the streets of a random town with a microphone. Yes, hello? Manny said to Sonic the Hedgehog. Can you give me your opinion on current day Disney?
Well, sure, Sonic said into the microphone. I, personally, think Disney is doing great! Did you see those Pirates of the Caribbean movies? They kicked ASS!
True, but do you not also think that the second and third movies were overly long, boring in a lot of parts, and made very little sense?
Hell no! Sonic argued. Theyre just a wild ride of action and fun!
The studio Manny sighed, shaking his head. Another fanatic idiot.
I LOVE KEIRA KNIGHTLY! an insane voice shouted from behind the camera.
No! Christen! DONT! the televised Manny exclaimed, attempting to halt his cameraman as Sonic stared in terror.
The screen quickly cut over to Manny speaking to Lilo, a little girl. So what do YOU think of current day Disney? he asked.
Sweat poured down Lilos face as she smiled so wide that it reached her ears and eyes shifting left and right nervously. I think Disney is doing great, she said through a strained face. They know what theyre doing and would NEVER sellout to the classic Disney fans! So be sure to buy our DVDs and tickets for our movies!
Are you being
forced to say that? Manny asked.
Help me! Lilo hissed desperately.
Manny gave the cut-off sign to Christen as he picked up Lilo and flew her off to a safe location. Yeah, that one was pretty nuts
the studio Manny chuckled.
The screen then cut to Manny asking a young Pokemon Trainer named Dawn the question. Oh, I absolutely LOVE High School Musical and Hannah Montana! she exclaimed lovingly, clasping her hand together over her cheek. Theyre such AWESOME singers and that Zac Effron is SOOOOO cute!
Manny looked askance to you, the reader(s). Excuse me.
Christen lowered the camera and pointed at his own blond head as the sounds of a fist colliding with a hard object (perhaps a skull) multiple times. Ow
Christen winced. That HAS to hurt.
Studio Manny shook his head. These silly, silly people, he moaned as he shut off the television with a remote. And now a word from our sponsor.
Sitting doing nothing on the relit television screen was Peter the Rock
doing absolutely nothing but sitting there
And were back, Manny smiled to you, the reader(s). Now, The Past Today isnt just a harsh critique show. Its also a show that gives suggestions as to how to make a topic better or more like the old days. So, handling our Quit Screwing Around and Be Cool segment today is Sid, Monkey Scientist.
Manny clapped once again as another anthropomorphic animal in the form of a male capuchin monkey waved to the audience from behind his own desk and with a television screen. He had light brown fur but white down his entire front and shiny white eyes. The monkey wore a short-sleeved blue shirt with the words MAD GENIUS on the center and a pair of light-green shorts. Hello, everybody! Sid greeted. Im here to give a quick little suggestion list for Disney on how to make them better or like their old selves!
Suggestion 1: Bring back Mickey.
Its pretty damn obvious that Disney has completely forgotten their roots to cater to teens instead of their original target audiences kids. Why do they do this?
Sid gestured to his screen as a clip from the Tom and Jerry movie where the Tony Jay-voiced lawyer slurred, Money
Sorry, I couldnt resist, Sid smirked deviously. And, taking a leaf out of Scoops book, Im going to use of Walts quotes. I believe many of you are quite familiar with this one.
I only hope that we never lose sight of one thing - that it was all started by a mouse.
Im sorry, which mouse do you speak of? Sid said sarcastically. Come on, Disney. Bring Mickey back for primetime programming instead of your other live-action shows. Speaking of which
Suggestion 2: Make some GOOD sitcoms
Okay, how many of you turned to the Disney Channel and find nothing but utter crap on? The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place, and quite possibly the monster of the bunch, Hannah Montana. Oi. Theyre not funny or original. Anyone remember Boy Meets World? Now THAT was a good sitcom. Or those special kinds of sitcoms that didnt use sets and you didnt have to view everything from one angle. I dont know what theyre called, but I think youll understand what I mean by listing a couple of examples: Even Stevens, Phil of the Future, and (as much as I hate to say it) Lizzie McGuire. My personal favorite of these types is Scrubs. Sid looked into the teleprompter with puzzled look. Er
did NL write this? he whispered to the producer off stage, who nodded. Ah, I see. Anyway, why I believe these sitcoms are superior? Its because they were
funny. But, for another reason, these sitcoms also actually had story arcs that had a few dramatic moments that actually made you tear up. Its nice to see that some sitcoms deal with some serious matters that made you feel good after coming home from a hard day of work. But now
Sid was suddenly interrupted by a clip from Hannah Montana. Oh, Im so torn between having a real life and being a celebrity! Miley Cyrus bitched. Sid pulled from under his desk a hammer and smashed the screen with it.
Now weve got really half-assed writing, he said.
Suggestion 3: 3D does not beat 2D
Okay, Disney, your CGI Pixar films fucking rock. We get it. Now work on some of your hand-drawn animated movies! But, hell, youre not listening. You even try to make your OWN CGI movies without the help of Pixar. Such examples are Chicken Little, Meet the Robinsons, and the coming Bolt which I actually am looking forward to see as it was once written by Chris Sanders, the guy who created Lilo & Stitch. And Jon Travoltas in it!
Erm, Miley Cyrus is in it too, a garbled voice called to Sid.
And now Im lost, Sid groaned. But the point is that we need to see some classic animation. Im sure most of us can agree on that
but then, then again-
I can most assuredly tell you that when The Princess and the Frog finally hits the theaters, Im going to see it! And I hope the rest of you do too so we can finally inform Disney that we want more 2D through the only way theyd listen: Their wallets.
Suggestion 4: Use what you got
Okay, Disney may have screwed over Power Rangers, but I can still see potential with them owning Muppets! Sure, we got The Muppets Wizard of Oz, but that really didnt cut it for me. Although I really loved that Quentin Tarantino cameo. Morphing for the win! Many panned it for being too adult and Dorothy being really selfish, but I argue, Aint that what Muppets is? Youre thinking Sesame Street.
I hear theyre making another Muppet movie and this time its going to be an original movie instead of a parody. Wow! Havent seen that since Muppets from Space! I cant wait! But in the mean time
weve got to feel utterly disgusted and depressed that the Muppets are now degraded to appearing half-hour specials on the Disney Channel with their actors. Ugh. Just hold on, Kermit. Just hold on.
Suggestion 5: Toon Disney and Disney Channel
As we mentioned earlier, Toon Disney was originally a channel where we could all watch the nostalgic Disney cartoons we all once loved. Now it lost its purpose faster than the Wii. I mean
why the FUCK is Zack & Cody on TOON Disney?! Oi, at least theyre showing their old movies that we liked.
As for Disney Channel
oh, boy. Theyre sinking FAST. I used to watch Disney Channel almost 24/7, but now Im just sick to the bone with all their crappy shows and original movies. The only redeeming quality DC (not to be confused with the near God-like Detective Comics) has now is a few of their cartoons. But they seem to enjoy killing them off after one or two seasons in favor for their good shows. Didnt Disney have a 65-episode policy? The only cartoon that last more than two seasons was Kim Possible. And now the only shows that are still on are The Emperors New School and Phineas and Ferb. I like the former because I loved the movie and I like the latter because its
actually funny. But soon its going to dwindle to one. Blah.
And what happened to all those cool as hell Disney Channel Original Movies? Anyone remember Halloweentown, Zenon, and Jumping Ship? Those were awesome
Now were stuck with idiotic teen musicals.
I was going to make a suggestion about Pirates of the Caribbean and rip them a new asshole, but I still like it. Its just that theyre being overly abused for money. Well, this ones finally over! To you, Manny!
To be honest, folks, I used to be a huge Disney fan, Manny frowned despondently. I used to always watch it, see the movies, buy them on DVD, and even get into arguments about them being good or not. Now they just pretty much screwed themselves over. Finally, heres Donovan, Kim and Mary giving the Crap-O-Meter reading to tell us how bad Disney really is.
Standing next to a thermometer-like machine are three teenagers in different colored robes. One was a young man with brown hair and wearing green robes with white star decoration all over. The second was a female with bubblegum pink hair that reached her shoulders and wore purple robes with flowers decoration. And the final teenager was another girl with black hair stretched all the way down her back and wore dark red robes with jack-o-lantern decoration.
Hello, Im Donovan or Don! the young man waved to you, the reader(s).
And Im Kim! the pink-haired girl smiled.
Mary, whats up? the last girl said half-heartedly.
And this is the Crap-O-Meter! Kim exclaimed, pointing to their machine that had readings between one and five. This will tell us just how bad todays topic really is.
And our usual ratings are five, Mary winked.
And here we go! Donovan pulled on a lever, activating the machine and a strangely green fluid starting fluctuating up and down. Its five!
No, three! Kim gasped.
What you talking about, its one! Mary snapped.
Its- the three gathered around the Crap-O-Meter as slowly started dying down on the number
FOUR!! the machine boomed ominously as steam billowed from its fourth slot as a neon words read VERY CRAPPY lit up.
And there you have it! Donovan said. Its currently extremely horrible, but has a few redeeming qualities and they might be learning their lesson.
I cant believe the little screen time we have
Cheer up, this is the first episode. Im sure No Limit is planning on making this segment more exciting, Kim smiled sweetly.
Mary gently set her hand on her friends head, and pushed her below the screen. Doubt it.
back to you, Manny, Donovan awkwardly said.
Thank you, guys. Well, Disney, you arent THE worse thing yet, but youve better clean up your act! Manny said warningly. You used to be cool
And so, I give Disney a big fat What the hell happened? Im Manny the Bat. See you next time as we discuss Nickelodeon. Now wheres my crowbar? he muttered, stumbling off stage.